Had I discovered the key to helping myself feel better? I needed to test the hypothesis.
Aim: Regain vitality and stop feeling bad.
Hypothesis: If I follow through on the small tasks I set for myself, then I will respect myself more.
Problem
When I do not follow through on small tasks I set for myself, I make a habit of not taking myself seriously. Each time I set out a task and do not complete it, I reinforce the message that I’m not worth listening to. Subsequently, I feel terrible about failing at simple tasks, and abuse myself roundly. This script of discounting, disappointment and denigration results in a loss of self-respect.
Effects of Problem
When I lack a healthy self-respect, I stop taking care of myself. My eating habits become destructive, I get lazy with physical activity, my productivity wanes and my energy and eagerness to tackle new projects disappears. Sensing the dangerous cycle I am in, I despair things will never get better. In short, when I lack self-respect, depression has a clear path to move in. I lay the rut I find myself in, my habits etch it into my brain, and I dig my own grave.
Procedure: Simply follow through on the tasks I set for myself. No second-guessing, no rebellious thinking, just executing.
Discussion
It is clear my short-term decision making is not exactly trustworthy – it’s controlled by destructively-wired brain circuits, and must be overridden until healthier habit tracks can be laid. The only way for this to happen is to submit and defer to the tasks I set ahead of time; outside of the heat of the moment, as it were. Planner Me is wiser (and safer) than In The Moment Me.
For two weeks the Planner is in full control.
While each day will hold its own list of tasks, my only goal at the end of these two weeks is to have done each task that I set for myself, on the day I set it. In other words, I do not plan to have read 5 books or have lost 5 lbs or hold a job offer by the end of these 2 weeks (though those would certainly be happy side effects). The overarching, macro goal is to accomplish the daily tasks. That concrete focus will can endure 2 weeks and, if I’m right, result in achieving the more nebulous goal of having “more self-respect.”
***
This is the experiment I underwent for the first half of May. Each day I set a list of tasks for myself and wrote about how it was going. Though I wasn’t perfect in my fortnight of obedience, I must say that this exercise (spoiler alert!) played a significant role in the fact that I feel pretty good now. Today.
I think it is worth sharing the process and examining the results, which I will do here.Over the next two weeks, I will post one day of the Self-Respect Project (“SRP”) chaque jour. I hope this documentation and discussion wrings out some useful lessons to prevent feeling like this again anytime soon, in addition to offering a method to shake the blues when they do sneak back in. Chime in comme vous voulez, eh? SVP?
Insight to Riot 
1. YAY! Bring it on.
2. I really like your illustrations. Bien drole.
3. WHen you are done writing this out, make copies, hand out to others–and yourself!–as needed. You can be the hare krishna person on the corner in your orange robe. Enlightened.
Saturday on the train platform I saw a dude standing in birkenstocks, resplendent in voluptuous, belted, forest green robes. He appeared to have traded doling dogmatic leaflets to strangers for doling canned tuna to himself.
If I managed to understand you, you requested comments. If I’m wrong, too bad, you get a comment anyway!
I think your SRP is awesome. It’s probably no surprise that I heartily approve of your methodology. But more than that, in general, I think focused introspection is the best way to achieve self-knowledge (and from there self-respect); and in specific, I support any initiative with a likelihood of convincing you that you’re awesome (or at least taking steps in that direction).
Let it be known that this blog has issued a standing invitation to comments, and yours are always welcome and delightful! Thank you for your support – both in reading and in encouraging words.
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